So this morning, I finished the first semester of year two meaning I am half way through my degree (CRAZY). I am now waiting until the weekend until I can go home for Christmas.This Christmas will be my second Christmas since deciding to recover from an eating disorder, only this time I am once again approaching it with a new head on my shoulders. I am not in the same place as I was last year, or the year before in fact, which is actually quite scary.
Although I believe that I AM still making progress, it is very slow progress now. This current progress does not involve weight gain or weight loss. For me right now, it is all about maintaining whilst starting to live again, rather than simply survive. For me, I am focusing on eating out and with other people, self esteem issues and reducing anxiety around food in general – basically all of the things that don’t just miraculously fix themselves when you’ve regained weight.
So by living again, that means enjoying Christmas properly. For me, that means not eating breakfast but 20 bars of chocolate on Christmas day. It means having Christmas pudding AND mince pies for dessert. It means having Baileys in coffee instead of milk – you know, all of those little Christmas traditions? I know that it is normal to indulge at Christmas time and that it’s more than acceptable to gain a few pounds over the festive season, but then it is also considered normal to then lose those few pounds come January.
Here’s my current dilemma
I don’t want to gain any weight. I am stubborn and at the moment, I’m not ready for it. However, that most definitely means that all of those traditions that I’ve just mentioned can’t really happen. It will mean that I just survive Christmas rather than enjoying it properly.
I don’t want to just survive either. Ultimately, this means I have to decide which one of these two issues is going to happen.
If I enjoy Christmas like I really want to, does it then mean that I’m allowed to diet? Because in reality, there is no way I can actively lose weight. That doesn’t even need explaining really.
This is an extremely different post for me but it is most definitely the real battle that is continually causing anxiety. My aim is to take each day is it comes and maybe I can just let go. I need to stop fearing the unknown and turn that fear into curiosity.
Posted by Samantha Betteridge at 14:33